crocus pocus

My first sighting of the early-spring crocus made me think of him (again). I found the pretty purple flower bud dangling sleepily as Bear and I walked Lucy Liu to the dog run.

"Spring has definitely arrived!" I tugged at Bear's sleeve as I pointed to the crocus in sheer excitement. It was when I stopped to admire the little flower that I realized I no longer had Matt to share that moment.

I was enjoying my very first crocus sighting this year by myself for, well, the first time. It stung a little looking back and thinking about how I found it absolutely adorable every time Matt would take the time to stop and admire something so simple yet gratifying as a tiny flower greeting the early spring.

It was there when things finally started to sink in—I really do miss having Matt around. I gave myself 2 seconds, a good sigh and a shrug before I turned around to catch up with Bear and Lucy.

As weird as it may sound, I appreciate bittersweet mornings like this. The tidal waves of emotion that simultaneously arise do a damn good job of reminding me that I'm capable of feeling anything at all.

I'm not heartbroken at all. In fact, I had been numb for a while now. Part of that has recently been alcohol-induced (not getting drunk—a nice buzz is enough to clear your mind) and mostly because I have been working so hard to control and suppress my emotions for the past year and a half that I’ve ended up having some difficulty feeling anything at times. The alcohol is a short-term refuge on my part and is somewhat inevitable (riiiiiiiight…) as the separation has definitely allowed for time to catch up with friends whom I hadn’t been in decent touch with.

Spring is going to be a bit tough on me. Everything about it will remind me of him. The flowering magnolias, the shy little snowdrop blossoms peeking through the remnants of a miserable winter, tulips dancing along with the cool spring breeze, the fragrance of gardenia and jasmine and the earthy scent of rain as it hits the ground—I’ll just have to brace myself.

Amazing how one little crocus blossom can pack such a strong dose of reality.