a much needed depression

"The siamese birth of embarrassment that followed last night's episode still lingers in my mind, but I know very well that being bare and vulnerable in front of someone I deeply trust was my saving grace..."

I'm not exactly the kind of person who can easily discuss my real fears, worries and problems in all honesty...even in the company of my closest of friends. I'd rather be THAT kind of friend who always has a good anecdote for you from some recent encounter ranging from cheeky to silly to tragic for as long as it is worth a chuckle at the very least.

Which is why I blog relatively frequently--it is easier for me to vent this way.

Last night was one of the rare times when I surrendered to my emotions and really reached out. Well, it was more like in the wee hours of the morning, really, but whatever.

It was past 3 AM. Best Friend Slash Best Roomie and I both had to get ready for work in 4 hours, but we found ourselves sitting at Ritz Diner waiting for BFSBR's take out. I had been overwhelmed by the emptiness I felt leaving the Halloween festivities in Greenwich Village. That on top of all the bittersweet emotions that were stirred while having dinner with my ex earlier in the evening.

Quick segue: I say "bittersweet" because I'm happy that we've managed to revive our friendship and I was genuinely very happy to see him but I do envy that he is in a good relationship that will most likely outlast the one we had. What really made me feel worse was the fact that I could not bring myself to ask if they even really are together. He is a very private person and I refuse to take that away from him.

So in the attempt to mask the frustration caused by my neurosis and impaired ability to be unconditionally happy for the people I care deeply about, I decided I badly needed a drink. I met up with BC and EB on W4th Street to try and catch the big Greenwich Village Halloween Parade. I was thinking the energy and the alcohol, along with the wacky costumes and personalities that usually come with celebrating halloween would distract me from all this unnecessary stress-inducing over-thinking...yeah...no!

"Why do I spend so much money just to end up feeling emptier than my pockets?"

The evening ended with more frustration that what I initially had felt. At least my pocket still has lint in it, you know. I just felt drained and without purpose. And it sucked. With that in mind, I started walking briskly, just really wanting to hit the hay and shut the world out. Then I bumped into BFSBR who was on his way to get some diner food. "Wanna come with?" I though, "What the heck?"

"I think I'm done living in NYC, Rockrock." And the floodgates opened very shortly after that.

I told BFSBR everything that had been bothering me:

• my growing disinterest in new york city life -- which is scary because this is one of the busiest cities in the world
• my sleep disorder -- speaking of sleep...
• my resentment over my older sister's sudden decision to move to Georgia
• the thought of not being close enough to my nephews and be a memorable part of their childhood
• my current and seemingly irreparable financial dilemma
• my inability to decide what I really want to do with my life
• my inability to leverage my worth to my company to get a much-deserved promotion
• my inability to start over and nurture the career I want because of my financial situation
• the disappointingly meaningless friendships I've forged and abandoned just within the past year
• I'm beginning to resent being single mainly out of envy and wanting what you can't have
• my insecurities about my future
• the fact that the last time I remember being this unhappy was when I was in the closet
• my physical and mental health
• Britney's stubborn preggy weight. Just kidding.

Yep. I went all out.

When it rains, it fucking pours. I didn't just rain on my best friend. I slammed him down with a Tsunami of emotions. Not really knowing or caring at that point as to how he would react to my sudden outburst, I just kept going and going.

He listened. He hugged me. None of the bullshit stuff you hear from people who simply say something just to either just always have something to say or are overcompensating for not really listening at all. And I love him for that. I owe him for feeling so much better today.

I'm glad that I allowed myself to break down. The siamese birth of embarrassment that followed last night's episode still lingers in my mind, but I know very well that being bare and vulnerable in front of someone I deeply trust was my saving grace.

Fascinating how, at times, your own vulnerability is what nurtures your inner strength.